Conflicted

"Keep on beginning and failing. Each time you fail, start all over again, and you will grow stronger until you have accomplished a purpose - not the one you began with perhaps, but one you'll be glad to remember." -Anne Sullivan

  

Graduations are special occasions, as graduates celebrate their accomplishment with friends and family. Be it high school, undergraduate, graduate, medical, or doctorate degrees - ALL of these milestones are to be treasured.

These moments can also be stressful, as you have family members waiting to celebrate with you. "When are you graduating?" was the most common question I was asked during my journey as a student. In fact, it still is a question posed to me by many. It's an exciting question, as those asking are eager to celebrate WITH you!

One of the hardest things, at least for me, has been telling people that I won't be "Dr. Kajiyama" or have three letters after my name - "PhD." It is definitely NOT one of my preferred topics of conversation. But, it's reality and one can never escape that.

In order to fully understand why this decision was challenging and "painful," I would like to take a look back with you.

On July 18, 1976, around 11:15AM, my mom gave birth to me at the old Kapiolani Children's Hospital, which was located in Liliha, where the Rehabilitation Hospital of the Pacific is housed now. I really enjoyed sleeping in my mom's belly, so I was late in arriving (I guess nothing really changes!). Upon delivery, doctors realized I was in distress as the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck. It's been estimated I was without oxygen for fifteen (15) minutes; I fought to live, so I ingested amniotic fluid, desperately trying to breathe in oxygen. This caused both lungs to collapse. Tubes were inserted into both lungs to get them filled again; the scars remind me of this each day. Additionally, an intravenous therapy (IV) was started on the left side of my skull, as that was the most visible vein at the time. Medicine to get me back to baseline was injected; doctors didn't realize how strong those drugs would be, so I'm reminded of that with a scar in the form of a bald spot (size of a quarter) on my left side of my head. Luckily, the hair from the rest of my head covers it. Or I simply wear a baseball cap.

The first 48 hours were considered "critical," as if I made it through that period, the odds of me living became greater. My parents had to endure hearing doctors say, "you can be guardedly optimistic," which kind of brings down the level of joy of the birth of your first child. God definitely had/has a purpose for me, as I made it through that period.

I went home and was cared for as any other child would be. To get me to sleep, my parents took me on long drives, only to park the car at a condo near the Blaisdell Center and have me wake up screaming again! Fun times, indeed.

I started my educational journey at the age of two months, as my parents were referred to Easter Seals Hawaii, particularly for the infant stimulation program. This was not only beneficial for my development, but my parents found support in parents experiencing similar feelings with their children. NO parent expects a child to be born with a disability. It happens, you deal with it.

Upon graduating from Easter Seals Hawaii, I matriculated to Jefferson Elementary School in Kapahulu. We lived in Kaneohe at that time, but both of my parents worked in town, so it was easier to have me dropped off at the Respite Care program at Easter Seals Hawaii.

At Jefferson Elementary, I had wonderful teachers in special education who challenged me mentally. Eventually, I would be mainstreamed from about the fourth grade. This meant attending general education class for mathematics. I did well in that, so for my remaining years at Jefferson, I was fully mainstreamed for all core subjects (math, reading, science, etc) and I would come back to the special education class for therapy (speech, occupational, and physical). I enjoyed learning and enjoyed being with my peers, in both general and special education.

Prior to finishing at Jefferson Elementary, my parents and I met with the principal of the "feeder school" at Kaimuki Intermediate. I know this individual is still at Kaimuki, so I won't disclose any names. But this individual told my parents and I that I would need to prove myself in a fully self-contained special education class for an entire quarter, before they would consider mainstreaming me. The principal knew of my being mainstreamed at Jefferson Elementary, but held strong to whatever beliefs were present. Instead of fighting with this person and a set way of thinking, my parents decided to have me attend Kailua Intermediate School (KIS), upon graduating from Jefferson.

BEST decision, ever! From day one, I was greeted by the entire school administration as I got off the school bus and everyone was so welcoming! I immediately made friends, which was unexpected, as I knew nobody. The school placed me in basic courses, ensuring I would have a positive experience at KIS. I proceeded to earn a 4.0 that first quarter, making a deal with my dad; I could get a Nintendo gaming console if I had all A's. After my first quarter, I thought, "I might get lots of cool stuff at this rate!" 

To the credit of the KIS school administrators, they wanted me to really learn and have a quality education, so they placed me in gifted and talented (GT) classes. I would have a period to return to a special education classroom to receive therapy (speech, occupational, and physical). I remained a "good" student, taking pride in my academics. I was also experiencing the fun of having friends living close enough so I could have fun with them away from school. Daniel Schmidt was the first boy who befriended me; he had curly, reddish hair, and sat by me as if we had been pals forever. And I was using a communication board, where I spelled out what I wanted to say by pointing letter-to-letter. After a while, Dan became good at reading my thoughts, so I might point to the first two letters of a word and he'd finish it. 

One of my fondest memories was playing stick ball at recess and after lunch. One of the greatest athletes in Hawaii history, Alika Smith, was one of my pals, so I got to play stick ball with him! During intramural basketball, his team would ALWAYS win because Alika was just so gifted. I believe during computer class, I told him via my letter board, "I hope you go to UH and become a star there!" Those who follow University of Hawaii sports know about the dynamic duo of Alika and AC Carter, arguably the best back court in Rainbow Warrior basketball history.

I graduated from KIS, but not before receiving a deficiency notice from Mrs. Lorna Reyes, one of the BEST GT English teachers in the state of Hawaii! I simply stopped doing my homework for her class, thinking I'd get a free pass due to having a disability. I was badly mistaken! A deficiency notice was sent home and had to be returned, signed by my parents. I received one of the most epic lectures from both of my parents, but I think my mom came down on me much harder. I believe she might have yelled so much that she cried; it's a SICK feeling to know you've let your loved ones down. So, from that day forward, I never used my disability as an excuse for ANYTHING.

My time at KIS was fun, I participated in many activities, I even served on the student council and was selected "Mr. Japanese" for May Day. At least I can say I was Mister something when I die! Graduation at KIS was interesting. The stage had no ramp (what's with my penchant in finding stages with no ramp?!), so my dad had to use telescopic aluminum planks to get me up and down the stage. On the way up, or down, the ramp slipped....no one came to help, but luckily I didn't fall! Another thing that I'm happy about is an elevator was installed a week prior to my graduating. My GT Social Studies class was upstairs, and the teacher didn't want to relocated to a class on the ground floor, so I couldn't take that class. I also had to pass up being vice-president of the student council, as meetings were held upstairs and the advisor didn't want to relocate. Perhaps, this is where my passion to advocate was fostered.

I moved onto Kailua High School (KHS) and started in the summer, just to get my feet wet and get accustomed to being at a big school. The bus dropped me off in front of the school's office. An educational assistant (EA) greeted me and instructed me to follow the other students to the classroom. I was signed up for Pre-Algebra, so I  thought maybe my math class would start later. So, I obediently go to the special education classroom, was seated at a desk. The bell rang and the teacher passed out worksheets. I can't recall the specifics, but I know one entailed writing words and another required drawing a line within lines. So, in my mind I'm thinking, "High school is SO much easier than I expected!" But after receiving another worksheet, and finishing it quickly, only to be told that I'm rushing through and I missed a spot, I knew I was "out of place." So, I wrote, "I think I'm in the wrong class, I should be in Pre-Algebra."

This started some chaos. "Oh my gosh, you should have told us sooner!" my teacher said. I was ushered to my math class and saw some of my peers from KIS and felt "at home," once again.

I was nerdy in high school, as I had dreams of attending the University of Hawaii at Manoa. My goal was to be a computer scientist/programmer. I excelled in English and Social Studies, but didn't do as well in Science and Math. For Science, I requested a note-taker, but the teacher said, "No, I need to get you ready for college, and you won't receive such help there, so I don't want to give you that here." Another response I can look back and smile upon. In my Pre-Calculus and Trigonometry class, I ended up failing, despite going in daily for tutoring. In my senor year, I repeated Algebra 2 and breezed through it.

I made great friends at KHS, too. Brent Yoshikawa, who is now working for Homeland Security in Missouri,  Edward Priddy, who is a graphic artist and designer in Oklahoma City, and I still remained close to Dan, who had a nice career in the NFL's league office, running online auctions. I was horribly awkward with girls - some things never change!

I was great friends with girls, but didn't go to any proms. Shelly Matsuura, a senior portfolio associate in California, was a classmate I could chat with for hours and hours. During our junior and seniot years, the Internet was just starting to come to life, so we were issued computers that ran on a phone modem and allowed us to communicate with our classmates. I recall conversing with Shelly until the wee hours of the morning, just because it was fun! I didn't have guts to ask anyone out to proms, nor did anyone ask me. If I could have a "do over," I would have attended at least one prom, as that's something unique to being in high school.

Academics were my way to gain acceptance from the larger student body. In the halls, I could hear students telling their friends, "you see that kid? He's like a genius, you know." As a teen, you accept such labels, for there could be other words said. I recall my GT English teacher, Mrs. Barbara Teruya, and my GT Social Studies teacher, Mrs. Jan Young, being exemplary educators. They challenged me, but also provided appropriate supports. For oral presentations, because I had no communication device, I had my "speech" written on large lined-paper; either my mom or friends would help me write everything out that I typed. Technology was still evolving, so I couldn't mirror anything up onto a projector. But I learned a lot, not just about the content for subjects, but I learned about myself.

I still envisioned myself typing code by myself in some dark room, interacting minimally with humans.

My very good friend, Ed, who moved to Virgina to finish school since his dad was in the military; he surprised me by showing up at my house, keeping his promise to attend my graduation! We kept in touch via AOL Chat, but until he actually appeared at my front door, I had doubts! But, it was wonderful having him here. KHS graduation is a blur, but my parents said the entire student body gave me a standing ovation as I rolled across the stage (KHS had a ramp! UH-Manoa,'s COE you can be just as good with this!!!).

I was admitted into the University of Hawaii at Manoa after my second attempt with the SAT. I was still set on majoring in computer science, but that dream was quickly squashed, as I could not make sense of Trigonometry to save my life! So, I explored majors for a few years. Economics and English are two that I recall exploring. Again, I was limiting my options to career paths that required the least interactions with people as possible.

I had health issues and ended up taking about a year off from school. But, when I returned, I came with a mindset that I had to "give back" in some way. So, I found Interdisciplinary Studies and created my own major, "Advocacy for People with Disabilities." I selected courses related to this from a variety of departments.

In one class, I met Mark Yap, who is now the IT director for CRDG at the University of Hawaii at Manoa. For a class project, he produced a video about my life, which he titled, "If I Could Change the World." It was well produced, with the help of Doug Hamasaki of CTAHR (College of Tropical Agriculture and Human Resources). Both became great friends of mine.

In my final semester as an undergraduate, I was tired of school, as I had been in some educational setting for about 25 years, starting at the age of o-months and completing my Bachelor's of Arts Degree when I was about 25. However, I was enrolled in a class taught by Dr. Norma Jean Stodden and Dr. Steve Brown, who allowed me to take the course intended for graduate students. There were master's and doctoral students; some started asking me, "what graduate program will you be applying to?" More school, really?! But, as I talked with more of my peers, the idea of pursuing a master's in counseling sounded appealing. The kid who wanted minimal interactions with humans wanted to pursue counseling, go figure!

I applied to the Guidance and Counseling program, specifically Vocational Rehabilitation counseling. I felt this would truly allow me to "give back" to my community. I enjoyed the journey and met really wonderful people along the way. Dr. Brenda Cartwright was the chair of the VR component of the department and she challenged me to be the best I could be. She also questioned why I didn't have a communication device. Around this time, I reconnected with Dr. Jim Skouge, who was starting in the Department of Special Education. I was fortunate to anchor myself in Jim's office, Wist Hall 118. 

I met Kavita Rao, who was completing her doctorate, and we would meet weekly to just write together. This support was invaluable, as she held me accountable. I completed a Plan B (thesis) paper, which was about the challenges in obtaining assistive technology (AT) from the State Division of Vocational Rehabilitation (DVR).

In my last year of my master's, I met Bruce Flemming, who was a representative for DynaVox. He met with Jim and showed him a DynaWrite. Jim immediately felt I might take a liking to this device. And Jim was right; I LOVED it! I won't rehash what transpired with DVR, but if you're interested, you can look back at one of my earliest blog entries.

Again,  after completing my M.Ed. I thought I would be done with school. But, an opportunity arose, which entailed having a PhD in Exceptionalities (Special Education) funded through a grant. Only six individuals would be selected, and applications came in from across the world. So, my competitive nature kicked in and I applied; my goal was to just get to the interview process.

On my mortar board of my graduation cap, I had "2 ↓, One to Go," as I fully intended to earn the highest degree possible, a PhD.

The opportunity to be interviewed never came to pass, as an e-mail from Dr. Mary Jo Nooan, chair of the PhD in Exceptionalities program, informed me I was selected and no interview was necessary. I was happy and then thought, "what have I got myself into?!"

It was also in this same semester, Fall 2007, that I became a graduate assistant with the Hawaii Warriors Football team, under the leadership of June Jones. I made sure to maintain a very clear schedule, where I would do my work with the team from early morning up until the early afternoon. Then I would attend class, go home and have a bite, study, and sleep so I could repeat this routine again.

Course work was extremely enjoyable, as I took all courses with my cohort peers. We would study, have preparation sessions, and make sure we took time to socialize all together. I was well on my way to being able to sit for comps (comprehensive examination), which was a step before proposing a dissertation. I had a great PhD advisor in Dr. Dennis McDougall, who I selected since I knew he could push me to become a more polished writer (academic/APA-like). All of the major components were completed and cleared by Dennis; my lone artifact was a mini-study.

I planned to pound this out using data collected at the Hawaii School for the Deaf and Blind (HSDB), where I worked with Jim to teach students to produce multimedia pieces. I would examine the effect that multimedia had in the students' perception of learning while teaching simple skills (such as preparing a healthy meal).

I also started teaching SPED 480 - Technology for Children with Disabilities - for the department, which quickly kindled a LOVE in teaching! Yes, the kid who wanted as minimal interaction with human beings now loved teaching.

In May of 2011, my life would change immensely. The effects of an incident on that day were far more substantial than I ever imagined.

I'm not one who doesn't finish anything I start, but after trying for about 2 years post-incident, I concluded that stopping the pursuit of my PhD was in my best interest and for those around me. I fully respect, and admire, those who have earned a PhD. I'm happy for my friends in the cohort who finished. The process is grueling and not for the faint of heart. Significant time in prayer and consulting with friends, including my pastor, helped me to see that God was just opening another door for me, but I had to close the open door (the PhD) first, before entering the opened door (becoming an instructor for the Department of Special Education).

I've attended dissertation defenses to support friends, but it's become quite difficult to be there knowing that I "could" be the one up in the front of that room defending. Additionally, I still have this image in my mind:

This is what I would have worm for my FINAL graduation.

Graduation seasons since ending the pursuit of my PhD have been tough. The sheer joy, pop and circumstance, and FINISHING a long, tough journey are all things that just eat me up alive each year. NOT finishing something I started plain sucks; all of the work put into excelling in course work have become grades on a transcripts for the most part.

However, the PhD journey that I was on did prepare me immensely for the position I'm in today, for that I am grateful. Those unfamiliar with the PhD process may think, "Can't you just write a really, really long paper and be done with it?!" I know my grandparents were so excited to see their grandson earn the highest degree; they kept themselves in the best of health, as they truly wanted to share in the celebration.

The celebration would have been EPIC. My speech after my master's degree was lengthy, but the speech had I completed my PhD would have gone on and on!

 

This quote makes a LOT of sense to me.

Congratulations to ALL graduates this Spring. Celebrate your grand achievements, but remember that the end of one journey requires starting a new one. Embrace that new endeavor with unbridled passion and happiness. I'm happy for all who graduated, but that bitter taste of not finishing something I started is tough to swallow, and this may never go away.

If you can't accomplish a goal, don't view it as the end of the world. It just means looking for the open door, not remaining frozen looking at the closed door!

Lastly, if you've read this, I thank you and kindly ask that you refrain from asking me, "when will I get to call you Dr. Kajiyama," as that will never happen. There's a better shot of the Los Angeles Lakers winning the NBA championship this season, than me earning a PhD (I know the Lakers aren't even in contention this year [2016]!). The reason this "failure" stings so much is due to the fact that I've fought and persevered through all of the many challenges shared above.

My next goal in life is to be happy with someone and have my own family; let's hope I don't mess that up!

High school and college graduates, don't drink. It's not worth it. However, IF you feel you must drink, do NOT drive; call a cab (Yellow Cab Honolulu Taxi - 808-699-9999) for a free and safe ride home! Think about the great life that awaits you!

Until next time...

Doors

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." -Alexander Graham Bell

[Editorial note: This entry was composed over the course of about two months, as I didn't feel it had enough substance for a quality entry.]

On March 24, 2016, I had the honor of being invited to share my testimony at Grace Bible Pearlside Church during their pre-Good Friday service. Pastor Norman Nakanishi sent a text message maybe the week prior. Whenever a pastor texts you with an invitation, it's always good practice to say, "Yes!" We got the details squared away, despite both our hectic schedules.

I prepared quietly on the Monday of that week (March 21), once I had my lesson prepared for my final technology thread class of the science course that I am involved with this spring. What people heard on Thursday evening (March 24) could have come across as short, easy to prepare. But, it really takes stillness and silence to find the best words to share the works of God through my testimony. I also read through Bible passages for deeper, and enhanced understanding.

My dad and one of my twin sisters, Lori, came home that same afternoon, after visiting my other twin sister, Lynn, my nephews (one is a newborn), and my brother-in-law in Oregon. They had a nice visit and were excited to attend service that evening.

Pastor Nakanishi knows me extremely well, as we met every Friday for many, many weeks either one-on-one, with his partner, Anthony "Tony" Holyfield, or in Grace groups (small group). He's heard more about me, but more importantly, from me than most people anywhere. My journey to have Jesus back in my life is really because of his steadfast commitment to lead seekers on that journey. As I shared in my testimony that Thursday evening, I explained that I overthink things, so it took some weeks for me to finally surrender my life to Jesus. If interested, you can view the service below:

The questions posed were about experiences that I didn't share publicly before, so preparation was more intense than other services I've spoke at; just because of the overall message being conveyed. It's always good to be challenged to rise above, as was the theme of the series for that specific Thursday.

I didn't know Russell Tolentino, who is a leader for the "young adult" ministry, would be asking the questions. This plays into the rhythm or tone of a conversation. Pastor Nakanishi and I have shared a service more than a few times, so our rapport is well-established. He can play off me, and I can do the same, usually. But it was nice meeting Russell and interacting with him, as he covered the Hawaii Warrior football team in 2007, when we had a magical season, with the hand of God rooted deeply in the heart of it. Russell had heard a lot about me, but didn't get to talk with me during that season, as he had bigger "fish" to catch like Colt Brennan, Davone Bess, Ryan Grice-Mullin, and Dan "the Iceman" Kelly, just to name a few.

This was the first time experiencing Grace Bible Church Pearlside's great new church facility. It is truly beautiful and comes alive with people giving all glory to God. The people of the church have always treated my family and I as one of their own, even if we don't attend this church - simply because of location. If I could teleport, I'd be at this church weekly to enjoy Pastor Nakanishi's sermon and fellowship with wonderful people. I left with my family that night, grateful and humbled with the blessing to share my testimony during a special service.

I did not expect to be invited back to Grace Bible Church Pearlside only about two weeks later. But, again, when a pastor invites you to share at church, say, "Yes!" Be obedient and place you whole faith in the hands of God.

On April 10, 2016, I spoke at all three morning services - 7:30, 9:15, and 11:15AM - for the church. The series was now "Go Beyond" and my testimony focused on the story of Abram, and I shared parallels based on how others judged him for face value, which translated into lesser expectations. During this testimony, I spoke about doors being opened and closed purposefully by God; we need to fully trust Him and be obedient by not remaining "stuck," looking at the door that closed. We could miss the door that has opened, potentially missing an opportunity to continue God's work. If interested, you can watch the service below:

This was another special opportunity, but one that I viewed as an opportunity to openly share and invite my friends and colleagues to church. You never know how such invitations will be received, but we MUST go beyond and not concern ourselves for being fearless warriors for God. For the first service, which I admit was earlier than I usually am awake on Sundays, my colleague, and her husband, with a mutual friend attended. This immediately made me understand that I was here purposefully. My mom's sister and brother (my aunt and uncle) attended, too!

Sharing testimony during a service is quite an exercise in endurance, as you're choosing to open up so many layers of your life; taking courage and faith to do so, knowing that your words might resonate with at least one person in attendance. The first service ended and I tried my best to greet everyone who came up to me before leaving. This is when I wish time could stand still, just so I could connect with people!

I had some moments to "rest," before the next service. Based on listening to my testimony that during that early service, I made small changes in my testimony with the intent to make my message clearer and easier to decipher. I also could add in a little more, as the 9:15AM service could run over the 60 minutes, unlike the first one. So, I included some humor. There's a very fine line as to how much levity you can inject into a testimony, while still being true to His word and expressing how powerful a relationship with God can be. The congregation laughed when I hoped they would, so I was relieved. Service concluded and I saw my colleague and wonderful friend. This was special, as this individual openly admits to not attending church regularly for personal reasons. The person's wonderful son attends another church and has encouraged his parent to attend. That lasted for one Sunday. So, having this person tell me that my message was enjoyable was wonderful! Of all the people I invited personally, and directly, this person was one who I really didn't know how this friend would take to my invitation. God places people where they are at all times purposefully, and I'm glad that I could see my friend after the service just to say, "thank you for attending!" I believe this service had about 750 people in attendance. Amazing.

After all of the handshakes and hugs, I went back with Pastor Nakanishi and his wife, Faye, to rest and relax. Talked a little Hawaii Warrior football, but not too much. We used the time just to enjoy the company of each other!

I fiddled with my testimony, again, trying to make it better for the final service. The 11:15AM audience was more reserved than the others, but they did laugh when I hoped they would. We finished our last service and I thanked Pastor Nakanishi, Tony, and William Lile (who was extremely gracious in hosting my family and I). When I was on stage, I noticed one of Hawaii's finest (HPD), standing guard just in case. As I made my way out of the beautiful warehouse converted into a place to worship, the officer came up to me, asked if I attended Easter Seals Hawaii in the past. I said I did, which prompted him to share that he worked with me when I was a kid, attending the after school program at the 710 Green St. location. Talk about the world being so small! He was happy to be present to hear me speak and we exchanged pleasantries before I departed. I left with an energy that is difficult to describe in words - I felt uplifted, rejuvenated, blessed, and ready to be more of a blessing to others!

We stopped at Sam's Club to fill the van with gas. As we pulled up to the open pump, I heard the couple on our right arguing about something. "Remember, you need to be blessed to be a blessing!" the lady reminded the man outside holding a credit card. God has a sense of humor, as just after having that said, the man looked towards his left and saw me in our van; "Hey Brian!" he said happily. He stopped complaining and pumped gas into his vehicle without further bickering with the female in the car. Definitely a God moment!

I share all of this to get to where I am today, as sometimes doors will remain closed until you take proper and just action to push the door open. Especially if opening a "closed door" could bless others, too! [This is getting ahead of myself, but this entry was created under unique situations.]

I had a wonderful afternoon of "meeting" with an incredible person at Kailua Beach on Friday about a month ago. We arranged to do a lunch meeting to discuss potential collaboration on a project. At the last minute, I came up with the idea of bringing lunch to Kailua Beach and enjoying that beautiful scenery that screams, "Hawaii!" all over it. Just smelling the ocean sea, having sand get on you despite not even stepping into sand, and watching people joyous in enjoying being outside - THAT is simply priceless, confirming for ME that Hawaii will always, always be my home. Nothing, at this point in life, could cause me to up and leave this place that others call "paradise." God's timing is always perfect, as I had been struggling with a "situation," for the lack of a better term. We enjoyed food from the California Pizza Kitchen, which took much longer to prepare than we anticipated. Fortunately, we had the luxury of time and used it to catch up on life. My friend has exciting things going on and I was happy to learn about them. We discussed life, and any other things that great friends do when trying to "catch up."

What I took away from the afternoon, was that my friend is beyond amazing, working on MANY projects, each requiring complete "presence" and energy. There are exciting things on the horizon and I'm just grateful that this individual believes enough in me to ask me to collaborate on a "project."

In trying to be obedient and going where God needs me to be, I've tried hard, and will continue, to make the most of my current "home" - the University of Hawaii at Manoa's College of Education's (COE) Department of Special Education. "Leave a place better than it was when you arrived" has been my guiding mantra throughout my years.

A major breakthrough has taken shape, as the COE, mainly the Dean's office (Dr. Beth Pateman specifically) has been instrumental in addressing concerns of the lack of accessibility at the location of the COE Convocation. Andrews Outdoor Theater (Amphitheater) is a beautiful locale, as the visual imagery highlights all that is beautiful and special in Hawaii. However, accessibility for people with disabilities, especially people with mobility challenges, was really poor and lacking. Students and faculty sat on the grass field, which could be accessed only by navigating many steps. Thus, attendees in wheelchairs, or people who have challenges in navigating steps, are "stuck" in the lodge area at the top row of the bleachers. At the conclusion of convocation, faculty are right there to congratulate students in their cohort or those who were in their courses.

I've had students and friends participate in convocation, but had to send someone down to the grass field to request graduates to come up so I could wish them well. Additionally, family members who may have mobility challenges would need to wait for their graduating relative to finish celebrating with friends before making their way up the steps.

On Tuesday, April 19, 2016 a major development began to take shape. With an advocate in the Facilities branch of the university, the COE leadership (Dean Don Young, Associate Dean Beth Pateman, and Aaron Levine), along with beloved colleagues and a supporter in Facilities, Nicholas Metivier, Andrews Amphitheater was fitted with a ramp, so people with mobility challenges could access the stage and the grassy base of the amphitheater.

When my sister, Lori, and I participated in Convocation together in 2001, I had to navigate through a back gate, pushing away foliage and making sure I would not fall off path, in order to access the stage. All students were in chairs on the floor of this venue, while administrators and program chairs sat on stage. I appreciated participating in this ceremony, especially with my sister, but the accommodation seemed odd. "Go with the flow, Brian. Just go with it."

To see change in action is really exciting! I did nothing special to ignite this change, all I did was make people aware that this was an issue. I wanted to participate more fully, especially after emphasizing the importance of "inclusive communities" in my courses. Any change has resistance and requires time. I was really excited to see these pictures, shared by Dr. Beth Pateman from Mr. Metivier:

 

Upon receiving the photos, I was genuinely excited. Yes, I was excited for a ramp!

The pouring of concrete was scheduled for today, April 23, 2016 at 8:00AM. This was a tad early for me to make the trek in to campus from Kailua to watch this step of the process. But after doing errands in Honolulu in the early afternoon, I went to look at Andrews Amphitheater. This is what I saw:

 

I also couldn't resist taking a picture with the newly poured concrete!

I'm not excited because I'll get to enjoy COE Convocation more fully, rather I share a great excitement for all of the other individuals who will benefit from this enhanced accessibility. This is for the young child with a disability, who may have challenges with mobility, attending a concert, a convocation ceremony, or anything else that will be held in this beautiful venue; this child won't need to fight the same battles that have been fought. This was never about ME; it was about making things better for ALL. "Leave a place better than it was when you arrived."

With the gates to Andrews Outdoor Theater (Amphitheater) opening more fully, I am extremely happy and grateful I'm around to see this "door" opening. Life needs to be lived in such a way that you can truly say, "I gave it my all" in whatever you're doing. I've tried to do this throughout my time in my department. That said, there are times when you need to be brutally honest with yourself, which could entail realizing a "door" could be closing. I'm extremely grateful and fortunate knowing that I have a place in the Department of Special Education for at least another year. There are many things I'd like to accomplish, such as advocating for even greater accessibility within the COE and university. I also want to motivate students so the Student Council for Exceptional Children (SCEC) can flourish and become self-sustaining without a faculty advisor leading the charge. 

There are MANY things left to be completed. I can't fathom being anywhere other than the COE at the University of Hawaii at Manoa. I love my colleagues and I feel blessed to have the responsibility of preparing future educators. I'll keep pouring all of my being into all I do there.

On Friday, May 13, 2016, the COE Convocation was held at Andrews Outdoor Theater (Amphitheater). I eagerly attended, walking to the venue with my friends and colleagues from the Department of Education. Upon arrival, some chose to enter through the "common" route, which had about 4 or 5 steps. Another colleague and two students from the Big Island walked with me to the entrance for the ramp.

Instead of reinventing the wheel, I'll share an e-mail I composed for Mr. Metivier and the Dean's office on Sunday, May 15, 2016:

"Hi Nick,

I wanted to thank you for being the champion needed to start positive changes with accessibility at Andrews Outdoor Theater (Amphitheater). I happily used the beautiful ramp on Friday to attend the COE Convocation.

However, when told I would be seated on the stage, I admittedly was a little befuddled, as I thought the ramp would lead to the ground-level, where the chairs for graduates and faculty were located. I enjoyed sitting under the tent with my department chair and with other esteemed chairpersons; it felt just a tad strange to not sit with my students and colleagues.

I have pictures from this momentous occasion:

Even my mom and sister were excited to use the ramp!

Dr. Aaron Levine, myself, and my service dog were really happy I could attend!

I don't know if signage will be put up at some point, but when I got to this gate, it appeared "locked," but a colleague realized the pole just needed to be lifted.

These are the four stairs/steps that are the next "hurdle" to overcome.

I would have loved sitting in this spot on the ground-level, with my colleagues and students.

As Convocation concluded, students and families exchange lei, take pictures, etc. I couldn't help but notice (with another colleague) that this gentleman (in white, top left of picture) had to just wait at the top of the bleachers to see/greet who he attended the event for.

With all that shared, I AM extremely grateful for what has been done at Andrews. It's a WONDERFUL first step. I hope the ramp remains until a permanent "fix" is actually scheduled. I believe an article in the KaLeo mentioned taking the ramp down during the summer.

The four remaining steps/stairs seem like a very minor problem (but I'm aware it's complex), but I'm confident that a solution can be found. By doing so, there will be even more individuals happy to use the ramp! On Friday, the A/V people from CRDG expressed great appreciation, as they used the ramp to bring their gear/equipment into Andrews. Walking out of Andrews. someone with a sore knee used the ramp to get out of Andrews, lessening the amount of stairs needed to navigate.

If there's anything I can do to help this process, I would be more than happy to assist in any way!

Thanks again to Drs. Bateman, Young, and Levine for their steadfast commitment and support. And thanks again to you, Nick!

With great gratitude,

Brian"

 ------------

This was a challenging message to compose, as I definitely do NOT want to come across as the radical advocate for issues related to disability, who will constantly find things to complain about. However, something HAD to be said, so people could recognize that the project to make Andrews Outdoor Theater (Amphitheater) more accessible for ALL people is not completed, yet.

Yes, I could just skip COE Convocation, but this is the "fun" part about teaching; you get to see people grow and develop into highly capable professionals; my promise to attend every Convocation once Andrews is fully accessible will remain. Let's do the right thing and make it FULLY accessible, as opposed to partially accessible!

Perhaps, one of the greatest outcomes from attending the 2016 Spring COE Convocation came in a simple message from a student, expressing happiness and gratitude that I could be there and see them finish a long, challenging journey!

Will a door close? Will a door open? Will I need to knock a door down? Only God knows. Remember not to stare too long at any door, as this wouldn't allow for great things to come to life!

I must remain obedient and trust God will place me where He needs me to be!

*As of Saturday, May 21, 2016, no reply to my e-mail has been received*

Until next time...

Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/alexanderg409116.html

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. Alexander Graham Bell
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/alexanderg409116.html

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. Alexander Graham Bell
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/alexanderg409116.html

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. Alexander Graham Bell
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/alexanderg409116.html

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. Alexander Graham Bell
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/alexanderg409116.html

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. Alexander Graham Bell
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/alexanderg409116.html

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. Alexander Graham Bell
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/alexanderg409116.html

Finding the "Last"

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, t keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

The Last by Wong Fu Productions

I've recently discovered a channel on YouTube that produces short stories about life, relationships, love, amongst other related topics.  They're really well made.  The clip in this entry is called "The Last."  You can view it as background knowledge for this blog entry, if you wish.

As children, we all want to feel accepted by our peers.  We want friends!  Go to any neighborhood park and you'll see children of all backgrounds, especially in Hawaii, playing happily together, while parents watch and observe.  Sometimes parents befriend other parents, finding acceptance themselves!

At some point, we develop feelings of being attracted to others.  Often, we're too young to fully know what we're experiencing, but this is the sprouting of the seed called "love!"  I believe everyone has this seed within them.  Some seeds are rooted in soil that allows for better growth, some receive more water to be nurtured, while others might not receive as much attention or the seed could be in the shadows.  In order to grow, seeds require light!  This could be seen as being able to love freely.

Children telling their parents, "I love you!" or expressing love towards grandparents, to demonstrating love towards pets.  All of these little steps are required if we're to love as fully and as openly as we can.

Growing up in Hawaii, in a Japanese-American family, expressing emotion openly was not something that was common.  Sure, my parents would tell my sisters and I they loved us (mom more so than dad) and my grandparents would say they loved us.  But anything beyond that was tempered, bottled up and kept closed.

So, the whole concept of loving someone other than family members was a very foreign concept...to me, at least.  However, you start developing feelings of attraction, maybe this would be referred to as a "crush."

I remember going to the after school program at Easter Seals of Hawaii as a elementary school aged kid.  Each week, a student from a high school would visit to help out with activities and to interact with children - I'll call her "Mary" just in case she's reading this and doesn't want her name on some silly blog.  I have no idea why I took a liking to Mary, but I did.  I looked forward to her visits and I don't really remember what we did, but I know I was happy!  I can't recall the details, but my family and I attended her high school graduation....life went on.

While in the fifth grade, I had two good friends, Leo and Travis.  They accepted me for who I was and we'd do fun things like trade baseball cards or Garbage Pail Kids cards.  It felt great to have common interests and to just have friends!  Other students knew who I was; it's hard not to notice a kid, who uses a motorized wheelchair and communicates through a letter board, coming into your class each day for most of the day.  As my time in fifth grade went on, I noticed a girl, who happened to be the most popular girl in the school, who I'll refer to as "Katie," in case she's reading this and doesn't want to be identified, too.  I liked Katie and would just feel happy if we just sat by each other in class!

Sixth grade came around and Katie was still in my class.  By this time, Leo and Travis, along with my teacher, Mrs. O (I can't recall her full last name; growing old isn't fun!), knew that I was attracted to Katie.  My friends encouraged me to ask Katie out in a note.  What did that even mean?!  Ask a girl out?!  Such a foreign concept, perhaps even up to this day.  But, I succumbed to peer pressure and wrote a note.  I can't remember what I said, but I know my note was written in chicken-scratch!  I might have signed it, "Love, Brian" which seemed standard for any note!

I held the note in my possession for a day or two, until my friends told me to just give it to her.  So, during lunch, I had this piece of paper, folded into a square, and had someone give it to Katie. Surely, I couldn't be so bold, as to give the note directly!  The note was in Katie's hands!

She read it and came over to tell me, "I'll write back to you."  Was this a good or bad thing?!  To this day, I have no idea since she never wrote back to me; neither did she bring up my note ever again the rest of the school year.  I believe I gave it to her towards the end of the school year - it took me that long to gain the confidence to actually share my feelings.

I did not go to the feeder school that many of my peers went to.  I attended school in Kailua.  So, the "crush" on Katie was officially "crushed;" social media had not even been thought of at that time, so I couldn't "friend" her or "like" her status updates.

I had great friends in intermediate school.  I met one of my best friends there, Dan.  We're still really good friends to this day!  In intermediate school, I became "popular," though I'm not exactly sure how.  For May Day festivities, we had a global "court," which meant students represented different countries, based on ethnicity.  So, I ran to be Mr. Japan!  I was Mr. Japan for our May Day; largely due to the fact I was the only male to run for that role!  But, it was neat to put on a sash that said "Mr. Japan."  I can't recall who "Ms. Japan" was but I did need to "dress up," which meant wearing long pants to school that day.

My high school years were spent hanging out with my "home boys" - Brent, Dan, and Ed.  We had other friends, but this was the nucleus of my circle.  There were cliques, obviously, and we just minded our own business, seeking refuge behind the girls' locker room.

I believe Brent was liked by a group of girls, as he was part of Junior ROTC.  So, sometimes we would get to sit by them, as we studied or hurried to complete a homework assignment.

Towards the end of my high school journey, I found myself liking a girl, I'll call her "Jane" (in case she reads this blog and doesn't want her name revealed) and, as part of the Gifted and Talented (GT) history class, we were issued one of the first computers with a modem to allow for e-mail and chatting!

So, Jane and I started chatting after finishing homework nightly.  Our chats were FUN and we would converse through words for HOURS!  I would go to bed after 2:00AM on many nights!  And in classes, we'd smile at each other.  And, yes, we'd chat again that same night.  It was fun.

When prom season rolled around, I was absolutely clueless! I couldn't express feelings of attraction to anyone, let alone a girl!  So, I did not attend any proms; looking back, I regret not experiencing a prom, as it is so unique to our high school days.

College days as an undergraduate were some of my most awkwardly social years.  I attended classes and left immediately after my last class.  I didn't really make friends, which I was fine with.

In a Family Resources (FAMR) class, I had a notetaker who took notes for me, and also acted as my "voice," as I was communicating with just pen and paper.  I had no communication device, so she would verbalize what I wrote for class discussions.  I'll refer to her as "Jenny."  Over the course of the semester, we would get to know each other, mainly by default, as we saw each other regularly.  We became friends and communicated outside of school, just like any college students do.

Jenny was an education major, while I was still discovering what I wanted to do in life. Over time, we became closer and we'd call each other at night, just to share how our day went.  It was fun just to share the good, and some of the bad, of what life brought us.

Valentine's day, which either you LOVE or hate with a passion, was approaching and I thought, "maybe Jenny is the one!" In our school paper, the KaLeo, they advertised valentine's day notes; you could post a note for maybe $5.  I am completely clueless when it comes to this sort of stuff, romantic gestures or expressing feelings!  But, I thought, "if I don't try, I'll never know!"  So, I bought an ad, a short one and wrote something witty (or at least I thought it was) and submitted it into the Ka Leo, paid my fee and waited.  Waited for Valentine's Day to roll around!

By this stage in college, Jenny was to begin student teaching on the west side of Oahu, commuting each morning from the dorms at the University of Hawaii at Manoa.  So, she would leave around 6:00AM to make it to school by 7:30AM.  I bought flowers or some other mushy item that was valentine's day-like; yes, I sold out to commercialism!  I also knew Jenny probably didn't pick up a KaLeo each morning.....so how was I to ensure that she would read this wonderful ad I created, which would change the course of our lives?!

I was dropped off my by mom early, as she worked in town, so getting to campus before 6:00AM didn't seem like a big deal.  I called Jenny and told her I had a little gift for her in celebration the start of her student teaching; we arranged to meet before she drove out to the west side of Oahu.

I got to campus...luckily they distribute copies of KaLeo into the newspaper stand really early!  I picked up a few copies.  I had a post-it note and wrote, "Check out page 3, I think you'll find it interesting!"  I quickly attached it to the KaLeo, on p age 3, CIRCLED the ad, too, for good measure.  Jenny met be around 5:50AM and was shocked to see me with a flowers, a balloon, and a copy of KaLeo.  She said, "thank you, you really didn't need to do this! I have this card for you, sorry it's nothing big!"  I was happy just to get a card!

So, she left and I went to class, confident that I'd have the best call, ever, later that night.  I got home and worked on homework.  I ate dinner and thought Jenny would call.  But, alas, she didn't.  So, I called her dorm, "Is Jenny there?"

"Oh, Jenny is out for the night, but I'll tell her you called," her roommate said.  Another factor to keep in mind is at this point in life I used the Relay Operating System, so I would type into a keyboard-like device, which was connected to the phone; an operator would verbalize what I said to the other party, and in turn, the operator would type back whatever was said by the other party.  Though not ideal, this worked well.

I didn't really think anything of Jenny being out for the night, she could have been celebrating her first day as a student teacher!

The next night comes around, still no call.  No e-mail, nothing!  Again, at this point cell phones weren't part of our bodies, as they are now.  So, I waited.  After the third night, I called...I was terrible at waiting!  I got to talk with Jenny!  She thanked me for the gifts and said she appreciated the ad.....BUT!  Oh boy, here comes bad news, I could sense it!

"But, I just started seeing someone. Sorry, Brian, if I wasn't, I'd totally go out with you!" Jenny said.

How does one recover from that?  You don't, but you learn to do more background research before diving into something crazy, like expressing feelings for someone!  However, we remained friends for years.  My mom liked Jenny, and would always ask how she was.  I saw her graduate and met her boyfriend, who was really nice.  I ran into them later at some store and Jenny said she was engaged to the same guy.  I was happy for her, really!

I wasn't flat out rejected, but the outcome still wasn't something I was happy with.  I WAS happy for Jenny and I'm sure she's doing really well. I haven't remained in contact, though.....life goes on.

My last expression of strong feelings came after about a year and a half of being interested in someone.  I'll refer to her as "Carla," as I'm pretty sure it would be weird to have her name on this blog entry that might be the longest post, ever!  I met Carla in SPED 480, when I was a teaching assistant with my mentor and friend, Dr. Jim Skouge.  I'd help her with activities and we were close in age, as she was pursuing a degree while teaching.  So, after the semester ended, we'd hang out and do what any college-aged students do - go to movies, go find cheap drinks, attend concerts.  Carla had a  boyfriend, but there was drama that she didn't really want.

So, she broke it off.  We were still friends, and we'd often do things with one of our good mutual friends, Steven.  Steven was awesome and would make me take breaks from studying; I think we all need such a friend in life to maintain balance.

In any case, I arranged to go to dinner with Carla and brought a gift!  It was probably the stupidest gift one could give someone you're interested in.  It was a small cactus!  And I had it in a paper bag...I had Carla reach in the bag to take it out; no idea why!

"Ouch! What is this?!" Carla said, as she put her hand in the bag.

I explained it was a cactus, which was really obvious by then!  But, I explained that cacti required little maintenance, and because she was so busy, I thought she might enjoy this plant!  It was NOT a smooth operation at all.

But over dinner, I learned that someone was flying in to see Carla....someone she was kind of interested in.  Could this really be happening again?!  I waited over a year to ask her to dinner, making sure she was not seeing anyone!

Long story short, things did not work out with that person.  But, things did work out with someone else.

During another dinner at Duke's, in Waikiki, Carla asked what I thought of "Billy," who was a former boyfriend, but they broke up, but were trying to work things out.  I explained I couldn't really answer that question and I'd explain why at another time.

So, one night after being out with friends, Carla drove me home in our family's accessible van.  And I totally dragged the conversation, which was my explanation of why I had no opinion of Billy, out for the entire ride. It was only until we got to my street that I explained that I liked her, a LOT.

I knew she was not expecting this, as she said, "Oh Bri, we'll talk soon!"  And off she went.  A few days later, I get an instant message from Carla.  "We need to talk."

"Okay, what's up?"

"Why did you tell me NOW?!  You could have told me way earlier! I'm not happy with you." she replied.

By this point, my mind was just racing, thinking great I just messed up a perfectly good friendship!  I was NOT happy with myself, too.  But I knew I couldn't lose the friendship, for it was too great to let crumble.  How do you repair a damaged relationship?  You admit fault and apologize, which is what I did.

To this day, Carla remains one of my very good friends.  Things did work out with Billy, but their lives grew apart.  I know I'll be friends with Carla forever; I'm happy with that!

I can't really say I've loved any girl, but I've liked some.  Perhaps with the hope that "I like you" would turn into "I love you" over time.  Call me old school or old fashioned, I view love as a special word.  You can't through that four-letter word around like it's just water.  Love requires something deep, a connection and feeling for and with someone that you'd be willing to go beyond your comfort zone to fall in love, being open to rejection, being open to being loved back, being hurt, being held, and any other things that come with love.

The video at the top of this entry shares a very poignant message of the greatest gifts that we have while living include the ability to give, receive, and even lose love. We have only THIS life, and what we do with it is certainly up to us, but if we don't attempt to love or be loved, we could waste the most precious aspect of living!

So Mary, Katie, Jenny, and Carla - thank you for allowing me to experience "falling in love;" I realize it didn't work as I hoped, but each experience provided a lesson that I'll hopefully bring into a future relationship.

I am thinking I'll end up with someone who is in the field of education, a teacher, perhaps.  I LOVE teaching and with that comes certain sacrifices that only fellow teachers can truly comprehend or "get."  However, I won't be so myopic in my thinking and not be open to appreciating someone who is in a completely different career path! You never know where an opportunity TO love will arise.

Starting a family is something I also look forward to.  Having a kid, or kids, and all responsibilities that come with such a grand commitment would be fun. When you're able to share this with someone you love, life would be that much more complete.  And, yes, Zeus would definitely need to "approve" of whoever I fall in love with!

Because this entry was composed over the span of two days, I found another video on YouTube that really hammers home the idea that ALL beings want to be loved and want to give love.  "Ol Boy" was a dog found abandoned, but rescued.  He was in bad shape, but all he wanted was to be loved.  He also wanted to love others back, despite having unthinkable things happen to him. [You can watch it below]

Ol Boy Has Dying Wish Come True - To be Loved

I don't know how many more years God has planned for me here on this earth, no one really knows, believers or not! But I do know that I must be brave enough TO love and to be more open to the idea of BEING loved. The next relationship, I'm fairly certain, will be my first AND my last.  [Again, this will make sense after you watch the video at the start of this entry.]; at least that is my hope, but I trust that God has a plan for me that is far greater than I can envision, if I remain obedient and faithful to His word.

Love never fails.

Until next time....